Old and Bitter
Desire for a deeper sleep that dissolves more.
I’m old and bitter. I want the world to revolve around me but it never does. I want instant success in everything, but it never comes. I wonder what’s wrong with the world, and then remember: I’m not the center of the universe.
Getting older is tricky. You’ve got to decide for yourself what you want out of life, and how you’re going to get it. And then once you do decide, you’re going to need to get a bunch of help. And don’t think you’re going to do shit by yourself. Even the crappiest little dreams need a bunch of people involved to make them happen.
So what do you do, how do you get people to care about you? It’s a nice daydream that people will like you if you’re really cool, but then again, they probably won’t. You’ve got to make a big change when you get older; you’ve got to start caring about people other than yourself.
And that can be a really hard thing to do. It sure is for me.
I don’t want to bum you out, but here’s a secret. As you get older, your dreams get covered up by scary realities. You wake up and have rent and a car payment. Your family and your girlfriend and your boss and thousand other things all need your attention at the same time. It gets hard to manage all that and still have time for your watercolor paintings.
But that’s all inevitable, life gets complicated and you pick up responsibilities, mostly on accident. Shit gets thrown upon you, and you’ve got to decide what’s most important.
For me, it’s become a weird balance. I program computers 20 hours out of the week, and write, skate, and shoot photos the other half. I’m not getting rich and I’m not getting famous. But I’m living a life I’m proud of.
What matters to you? Being an adult, getting older, you’ve got to figure that shit out for yourself. Is it getting famous and having your own reality show, or is it writing a novel or is it just buying a house? Nobody’s going to figure that out for you but you.
I shot nine thousand photos last year and none of them were good. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop shooting. I’ve begun to appreciate things for the process, for the distractions. My photos may suck and my writing may be unfocused, and my skating might be shit, but at least I’m still in the game.
And that’s the hardest part of getting older, remembering it’s all a game. We all play a game of make believe called life. Because you and I pretend we need houses with indoor plumbing and electricity, we worry our entire lives about how the hell we’re going to pay for it. But it isn’t the end game. People have lived for thousands of years in mud huts just fine. Why do we need to pretend like a reality show and a record deal make a life worth living? Get out and grab your own experiences, and quit waiting for the stars to align. Your life is happening now. Better make it tight.
