Empty.Clean.Ready.

Hail Mary full of grace, smack the bitch in the face.

Let’s sit together, and I’ll take off the top of this white box we’re in. I’ll replace the roof with the stars and pour you a coffee with my mind.

And as we sit down and get comfortable, there’s a knock on the side door. It’s my childhood, she wants to show us something.

Our perfect universe of coffee and pudding implodes and we’re whisked away to the roof of my old elementary school. We’re both eleven and the cops will tell our parents if we get caught up here.

I should let you know now; I brought you here because I had something important to tell you. But seeing my old house from here, and hanging out with you, I’ve forgotten all about it. Let’s check on my sixth grade girlfriend. She lives a couple blocks from here.

She’s sitting in her house, alone. Her dad just left for the day and she’s glad for it. She likes being alone the best. It gives her time to sit alone and be calm. Her dad is always annoying her.

I want to show you something important but you’re going to laugh. It is where I get all my super powers from; it’s where I got the entire universe to fit in a dollar bill.

It’s my magic cardboard box. Get in and see.

We’re at a giant buffet and it’s in your honor. You have persevered against all odds to become all you ever dreamed. Your family is all here and they’re healthy and happy, and so proud of all you’ve done. You’ve made it, you are a success.

I ask the maître ‘d if he’d get me a coffee and a bagel. He brings out a plate of different bagels and a nice light roast coffee. I pick a toasted everything bagel with vegetable cream cheese and take a bite.

I wanted to tell you something important, but here’s the thing– nothing really is. I wanted to tell you everything you needed to know so the buffet comes true, but there’s nothing you really need to know. You’ll figure out things are generally shitty, but if you try and make life better for the people around you, and stop daydreaming about yourself, they’ll take care of you too.

Everything happens inside of this little box.

We can daydream for hours and it’s always real.

Do you believe in heaven? Looking through this box, I have found heaven. Do you want to see what heaven looks like? Let’s go.

I twinkle my nose and a big box with a red cartoon button appears. It says “heaven button”, and I push it.

The planet drops out from underneath us, and we begin falling down. We fall down so far we’re on the other side of the earth, where down is up. We keep going down, which is now up. Eventually, we get to heaven.

It’s just a big long corridor and there’s moving pictures of people on the walls. One guy is walking his dog, is leaving jail, and a girl on the right is getting peed on by her kid.

We walk down a ways and say yo! to God. He’s hanging out with Biggie and smoking a big joint. He’s not really God, of course. He’s god’s cousin, Rickie, and he’s from Jersey. He speaks first.

“So you brought that guy, the dude, huh?”

“Yea, and he’s wondering about heaven.”

“It’s a state of mind, bro. This place doesn’t exist, you’re just on mushrooms.”

God’s cousin laughs and passes the joint to Biggie.

“Nah, bro, but look, it’s like heaven and hell ain’t places you go to after you die, they’re places you go while you’re still alive.”

Biggie nods.

“Every dollar store religion says the same thing but people are too busy updating their profiles.”

“God created man in his image. And what the fuck did god do? He created a whole entire universe, and then chilled the fuck out. Does he worry about shit? Hell no, god lets shit work its own shit out. You’re supposed to do the same thing.”

“Create your own universe, and then chill the fuck out. Quit tryin’ to live in other people’s worlds, and live in your own already.”

God’s cousin disappears and you’re back in the box, alone.

You reach into your pockets and there’s a note from god’s cousin there. It says,

“Get ready to die, tell God I say hi.”